Flying Commercial Sucks

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*Preface: I wrote this on iPhone Notes—on my flight to Boston. I just kept adding to it. So it’s a little long.*

To all the people yelling at other people (richer people) to stop flying around in their private jets so much… I pose this question.

If you had the choice: fly private, or deal with the third world conditions of our commercial airline ecosystem, wouldn’t you take your own jet?

Right now on my Southwest flight, there is someone behind me describing an unknown genre of music to their row-mates, who have no interest in what this guy is telling them about. I can hear it in their voice, they don’t care. But some people don’t care that others don’t care.. normally I would respect such a “I don’t give a fuck” attitude. But not in this scenario.

And sure, there’s an occasional hot girl on the commercial flight, but they are never sitting nearby. I get stuck with the 73 year olds. I make eye contact with the dimes as they walk by, and I can see they wish they could sit next to me, we might find a way to join the mile high club, even in the thick of a 90 person packed flight. But, John with his cello case has already found a home next to me.

On a commercial flight, I feel like I’m in prison. I cant move, and if I want to go the dungeon bathroom for escape, its going to be a huge ordeal. On a private plane I would move around. Just for the hell of it. And open all the bottles, legs, and apps I want.

Props to my flight attendant on this flight for making fun of their own wifi. We all know plane wifi doesnt work. It’s a scam. A fraud. They even have different tiers. For what reason? To steal your money at different levels, depending on how stupid you really are. $8, $12, or $16 wi-fi… how much money do you want to spend on nothing? Mia, my flight attendant on this flight is funny, she pointed out the absurdity of this scam. She still offered wifi on the speaker, but she did it in a way that clearly conveyed to me, and all of the passengers, that she is only saying this because she has a gun to her head. She says “allegedly we have wifi”, then she gave the prices and mouthed silently “don’t do it”. As if she was crying for help. I appreciate this honesty, I might have to come back and find Mia to be my flight attendant when I go private.

It’s also bizarre to me that airports tell us to arrive 2-3 hours early to the fucking airport, because how badly mismanaged they are.

I want to show up at the fucking tarmac, climb up some stairs and waste all the gas I need to avoid flying commercial. I won’t even think about the money being burned or the emissions im creating, I’ll only think about the pure bliss and convenience.

***added at the end of the flight*****

The worst part might be getting off the plane. It makes no sense how long it takes. If everyone just got their shit and got off, maybe I wouldn’t have to sit here for 20 minutes. It could be my fault for sitting too far to the back, or maybe the fault lies with everyone in front of me, holding up the whole process. Either way, in a private jet, I would have to wait for no one. Only myself because I wouldn’t want to get off. If I’m late to wherever I’m going I can say “oh my pilot is a dumbass, and took my private jet the long way”. Then what can you say to me? nothing. You can’t say fucking anything. Because I have a private jet. Or I chartered one (almost as impressive), either way the message is clear—that I have so much money, I’m willing to use it to bypass the awful phenomenon we are forced to endure as regular citizens, which is the commercial flight. I’d like to fly my private jet dangerously close to a commercial flight, just so they can see me, and I can see them, as I whiz by at a higher speed thinking “ha I remember that bullshit, now I fucking made it.”

–Dollar Sign Boss (Drew)

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